On the 12th of May, this very Saturday, I'm going to get up very early in the morning. I'm going to put on the make-up, beat my hair into submission and possibly make an attempt to wear pantyhose. I shall throw myself into a car for an hour's panicked drive to get to a large room where I will sit for a few hours in a giant poly-blend sack of black fabric. At some point, I really hope someone will call my name, I'll walk across a stage, shake hands with a guy who is in on the joke, and pick up a roll of paper.
I'm going to walk the stage at commencement.
The whole idea of this scares me to little pieces.
First of all, I'm not actually graduating on Saturday. There was a small problem with the school's computer and six advanced credit hours have vanished from my transcript. It's a real shame, but the school just can't seem to do anything about it so hand over another $2000 and take two more classes this summer.I've already made arraignments with two wonderful professors who have been kind enough to let me do independent studies this semester. That's the joke bit. I'm not sure if they will call my name Saturday or not, but even if they do one of the professors I'll be working with is the guy handing out the degrees. We both agree it's a farce, but it's a well-dressed one.
Secondly, I've been going after this degree for a long time. Since 2004 off and on, I've made the push to get this degree and go on to grad school. I tell random people in the street that I'm living my dream of getting education. But really I have no guarantees, any more then the next student. Will I get the job I want? If I do get it, will I be able to pay for the loans I have to take to get here? I will have spent 11-12 years in school working towards my goal and I am approximating 2-3 years worth of income to pay for each year of that schooling. I have made the choice to mortgage my life. Is it the right one?
Thirdly, I'm human. I have yet to meet a single human in my whole life who really likes change. Some folks talk as if they do, but even they usually have something at their core that they want to leave untouched. I'm actually a stick-in-the-mud boring sort of person who isn't into change at all. Sometimes my idea of boring isn't the same as the neighbors, but I consider my life happily sedate most of the time.
More then anything else, I don't feel like I've earned this. I don't feel that I have the right to walk across that stage, take the paper, and say "I did it!"
But I have done it. I made myself go to school, even when I was working 60hr weeks and had the lead in a big play. I studied for midterms by my sister's hospital bed when my niece was born and for finals while waiting for the doctors to call about my father's heart. I did all the paperwork, all the jumping through hoops and financial fol-de-rol that the government thinks I needed. I even kept up on my work during an IRS audit. Through literal storm, flood, and fire I drove over 100 miles a day to get to and from class. I had emotional and financial support from my husband and parents, but I did this. I have made it happen and I will see it through to the end.
And in the fall I will start on my graduate school at the University of North Texas, working to be come a digital archivist. I'll finish that too.
"We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot."
~Eleanor Roosevelt
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